


the ghosts we can't live up to

by writerdragonfly



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Aspects of undiagnosed mental illness, Assumed Character Death, Attempted Murder, Depression, EndGame: Stiles/Derek, Endgame: Lydia/Jackson, Endgame: Peter/Chris, F/M, Implied underage sex over the age of consent, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Internalized anxiety, M/M, Manipulative Peter, Matchmaking, Mates, Murder, Non-consensual body modification (supernatural), References to miscarriage/child death, Soulmates, Warning: Gerard Argent, Warning: Jennifer Blake, Warning: Kate Argent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-18 23:33:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7335469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writerdragonfly/pseuds/writerdragonfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>“And sometimes there are thoughts of the dead, the gone, and the lost, and these are the ghosts we can’t live up to, the things we try to chase and capture and can’t quite reach, catching air instead."</em> </p><p>Peter Hale will never be enough, and he knows it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beta: I. 1990

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LovelessAyase](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelessAyase/gifts).



> Happy birthday, Westley! <3
> 
> This is a Peter-centric fic, from Peter's POV only, because Westley loves him and he's my best friend so why not? 
> 
> This is also one of those fics where I actually prepared a LOT of tags. So, notes!
> 
> 1\. Implied/referenced dubious consent refers to the relationship between Derek and Jennifer Blake in part two, and any sexual contact between the two is strictly off-screen. 
> 
> 2\. Implied underage sex over the age of consent refers to a pairing in part one, between a 17 year old and a 21 year old in South Carolina, which is _not_ Sterek.
> 
> 3\. The child death/miscarriage is in part one, and refers to Malia.
> 
> 4\. Nonconsensual Body Modification actually refers to the act in which a werewolf bites a human and thus changes them without consent, and any other supernaturally inclined body modifications that may or may not occur.
> 
> Aaaand, I believe that's it. 
> 
> Updates after part one may be slow, but I will be posting the seven chapters of part one within the next few days. 
> 
> Please enjoy!

# Part One: _Beta_

## I. 1990

  
  
He's fourteen when his parents sit him down with Talia, his older sister's nervousness making him twitchy.

 

He's fourteen and wants to head out for his violin lesson, not be stuck in what public school has given him the expectation of being the sex talk.

 

(It's not the sex talk--his parents don't actually bring that up. Ever. He's not sure why he thought his sister would be part of the sex talk anyway.)

 

His father says, "Your sister is going to be Alpha in a few weeks, Peter," and his mother stares down at her pale fingers, and Peter gets why Talia is here now after all.

 

"How long have you known you were dying, Ma?" Peter asks his mother, and she starts crying.

 

He never does find out the answer.

 

-x-

 

"Did they tell you first?" Peter asks his sister as he helps with the baby that night, gently wrapping the cloth around his nephew's bottom.

 

"No... I went to them when it started... flickering..." Talia says, Laura sleeping against her shoulder.

 

Peter looks up to see the muddled flash of beta gold and alpha red swirl in her eyes.

 

Derek gurgles from his place on the changing table. 

 

-x-

 

Their mother dies two weeks later, and their father leaves just after that.

 

Peter never does know what happens to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, questions, and concerns welcome. <3
> 
> PS. I actually don't remotely like Peter, so this is a fun challenge.


	2. Beta: II. 1993

# Part One: _Beta_

## II. 1993

 

Peter is seventeen, freshly out of high school, and halfway across the country before he calls Talia. 

  
"You could have told me you wanted to take your spirit walk early, you know," she tells him, not a lick of anger in her voice.

  
  
"When do I ever tell you what I'm doing before I do it?" He asks her, and he can hear the fondness in her voice before she even speaks again.

  
  
"Never. Stay safe, kiddo," she says, and Peter says, "always."

  
  
-x-

  
  
He meets the older boy ( _man_ , his mind supplies with wicked glee) in a little seaside town in South Carolina, his lean body half-obscured by the hood of the car he's an arm deep in.

  
  
Peter's guess is twenty, perhaps twenty-one.

  
  
"Having car trouble?" Peter asks, reveling in the way he startles at the sudden voice.

  
  
"Oh, hey," he says when he sees him, and his voice gets a rough edge to it that goes straight to Peter's dick.

  
  
"Need some help?" Peter asks, one raised eyebrow toward him while he tries to pretend he's not almost painfully aroused.

  
  
"Do you know your way around an engine?" The guy asks, and Peter smirks.

  
  
"No, but I know my way around a phone book."

  
  
-x-

  
  
His name is Chris, he's four years older than Peter, and while he at least somewhat knows his way around an engine, he certainly does know his way around another man.

  
  
It's the first time Peter's been with anyone, partially because many of his classmates found it odd that he lived with his sister, but mostly because he's never really wanted someone as much as he wanted Chris.

  
  
Not that he tells Chris that, who tastes like whiskey and smells like grease.

  
  
Not that he'll tell anyone that.

  
  
-x-

  
  
They split the cost of a hotel room for three days in the tiny little town Chris's car breaks down in and they stay locked up together for most of it. Peter's half afraid they're going to get the shit kicked out of them by one of the many groups of stout looking Southern Christian men who rove the town, but after a few comments here and there about "how nice it is, looking after your brother like that," he realizes no one wants to see the truth of it.

  
   
Peter's okay with that.

  
  
But as much as he likes Chris, who wanted to play the piano but was only allowed a guitar, who liked science fiction more than fantasy, and who was unapologetically a country music fan, he doesn't expect the good to last.

  
  
And he's right.

  
  
Four days after they meet, he drives Chris to pick up his newly fixed car and they're blindsided by a tall drink of water with short cropped hair and an older man with a perpetual frown.

  
  
"Dad... Vicky..." Chris swallows, and Peter suddenly wishes he'd driven right past the tight jeans and flannel shirt because he can't see any of this affair ending well.

  
  
"Who is this, Christopher?" Chris's father asks, and there's something about the tone of his voice that makes Peter's flight or fight instinct scream " _get the fuck out **now**_ ".

  
  
"Just a local giving me a ride from the hotel," Chris lies, and Peter feels his heart snapping in half even though it's an expected lie. Even though he doesn't blame him for an instant. 

  
"I see. Well, I think we should talk about reparation then," Chris's father says, "in private, while you apologize for making your fiancée worry."

  
  
And Peter suddenly feels like maybe he's getting stabbed in the chest because _that_ he hadn't expected.

  
  
Peter wants to run, wants to lick his wounds in private and pretend that none of this fucking happened.

  
  
But he doesn't. Because he's a Hale, and Hales are braver than that.

  
  
Of course, he doesn't see the wolfsbane coming.

  
  
-x-

  
  
Peter wakes up on a disgusting beach in Georgia sixteen hours later, coughing up seawater and glass.

  
  
There's blood in his hair and he's missing three of his toes on his left foot.

  
  
But he's alive.

  
  
He steals a set of clothes from a clothesline on the edge of whatever backwater town is closest to him, and calls Talia collect from a pay phone.

  
  
She picks him up with both kids in the backseat and a slightly swollen belly.

  
  
He doesn't apologize and she doesn't ask if he's okay.

  
  
They don't need to.

  
  
-x-

  
  
"Where's your old man?" Peter asks when they've resettled in their house in Beacon Hills. Talia's lips are a thin line across her face.

  
  
"Oh, Jorel left as soon as I found out we were expecting another one. I... didn't want to cut your walk short."

  
  
Peter huffs out a self-deprecating laugh at that, "well, at least we both have terrible taste in men. Wouldn't want your brother to feel left out."

  
  
"That's seriously terrible," she laughs, and for the first time since South Carolina, Peter thinks maybe he'll be okay.

  
  
-x-

  
  
Aunt Morrighan dies just before Peter's eighteenth birthday, leaving him with an answer to a question he hadn't expected to want to ask.

  
  
The Hale Pack needs a new enforcer, and well, Peter doesn't see himself falling in love with anyone again anyway.

  
  
(Not that he's going to admit that he had, _ever_.)  


 

 

 


	3. Beta: III. 1994

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus we continue. This one isn't terribly long, so I'll be posting the next one in a few minutes. Please enjoy! <3

#  Part One: _Beta_

##  III. 1994

Malia had been an accident, and for a brief few weeks, a happy one. 

He doesn't remember much about the actual act of conception. Things had been hazy from the peyote and the desert heat, and well, Peter hadn't really cared much at that point. 

He'd done his job after that night, taken care of pack business, and returned to Beacon Hills with only the lingering smell of smoke on his skin. 

Desert Wolf had found him three months later, and Peter had immediately known deep in his bones, that she was his. 

(Not the woman, no one could claim the woman, and Peter would never want to.)

Talia had been upset, more with the woman than with Peter, but upset all the same. 

-x-

Of course, Peter only had a few weeks (four weeks, three days and fifteen hours) of time with the knowledge of his child. 

Desert Wolf had woken him in the middle of the night with wild screams from her room beside his one night, half-shifted in terror. 

They buried the tiny little one in the family plot, and Desert Wolf left with twigs in her hair and Peter’s scent wrapped around her shoulders. 

He didn't expect he would ever see her again. 

And well, Peter was okay with that. 

His daughter’s mother had been a wild thing, and though she had tried to be still for the sake of the babe, she wasn't meant for domesticity and a role mired in humanity. 

He didn't miss his daughter’s mother, but he misses his daughter with a ferocity that terrified him. He misses the sound of her heartbeat, and the hint of her scent. 

And he misses the little things that he never got to have with her.

-x-

“Shall I take care of the omega, Alpha?” Peter asks.

Talia kisses baby Cora’s forehead after she lays her down in the crib and turns to face him again. 

“Please. Stay safe, kiddo.”

“Always,” Peter says, and his fangs are sharp in his mouth. 

  
  



	4. Beta: IV. 1998

#  Part One: _Beta_

##  IV. 1998

Talia’s pregnancy is a difficult one. With the older girls and Derek, she'd been blessed without many of the difficult aspects and with many of the good ones. 

Peter knows they are both afraid, after what had happened with Malia. He knows that the agony of it had done nothing but destroy him from the inside out. 

But he wants this baby, wants this one to survive almost (not quite, never quite) as much as he'd wanted Malia to. 

The baby won't make up for losing his daughter. He doesn't think anything could. (Not even a kill for the pack could make it hurt any less--he  _ knows  _ this.)

But as much as he wants a chance to swaddle a baby and play for one and hold it, it's not about him, the fear. 

He doesn't want Talia to ever know what it feels like to lose a child like he had. 

She’s his Alpha, but more important, she’s his sister. 

-x-

The baby is born three weeks early but he's a healthy little boy with a shock of dark hair on his head. 

Talia names him Alexander Peter Hale, and for the first time, bypasses pack tradition to officially make him the baby’s godfather. 

“He's human,” Talia whispers when she hands the baby over for the first time, “and he's your responsibility, kiddo.”

Peter doesn't cry then, even though he wants to. 

“I'll keep him safe, Talia,” Peter promises. 

“Always?”

“Always,” Peter says, and he’s looking right at the sleeping boy when he says it. 

  
  



	5. Beta: V. 2002

# Part One: _Beta_

## V. 2002

 

They’re pretty much inseparable when Peter is home, him and Alex. It’s easier with Alex as he grows than it had been with the girls and Derek at that age, and Peter knows a great deal of that was because they were _before_ Malia and Alex was _after_.

 

But Peter also knows that Talia’s decision to spurn tradition to make Peter the little boy’s godfather had something to do with it too.

 

Peter had been the pack enforcer for nine years already, nine years as the “black hand” and “assassin” had changed him. It had always been his choice, and he hadn’t regretted it.

 

He was the one who did the dirty work to protect the pack at all costs, even or perhaps especially, the humans of it.

 

He didn’t know how the enforcers before him (or indeed the enforcers of other packs) tasked the human population of their packs. He knew from experience (and lessons, all his childhood _lessons_ ) that most packs did not allow humans to be a part of them outside the emissary at all.

 

Peter understood the reasons why, but even before Alex was born, he hadn’t agreed with the decision.

 

There was a part of him, buried beneath nine years of self-recrimination, that wondered if the no-human stance was half the reason hunters had been after wolves for as long as they’d existed.

 

And maybe if Peter had been upfront about his heritage with Chris, he never would have dealt with a broken heart on top of an attempted murder.

 

So Peter took his godson and nephew and made sure that the boy, nearly four now, never felt like he was less than the rest of them for being born human instead of wolf.

 

Even so little, he didn’t ever want the boy to think he wasn’t wanted.

 

Most of the time, he enforced pack law with claws and teeth. But this, this he could do without death, and there had been little he’d been able to do without death in far too many years.

 

 

 


	6. Beta: VI. 2005

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Abandon ship! We're quickly approaching canon. <3  
> In all seriousness though, this chapter covers the events of Visionary, including Paige.

# Part One: _Beta_

## VI. 2005

 

Peter isn’t invited to the accords. It makes sense, especially when Talia comes home the first night with her face tight and her eyes exhausted.

 

It makes sense, especially when she says, “The Argents, the son’s name is Christopher.”

 

The Argent name was legend, a permanent piece of history between the wolves and the hunters. The first documented case, though their history in stories stretched far longer.

 

It didn’t surprise him anymore, that Chris’s father had immediately attempted to kill him.

 

He knew that the Argent patriarch had been far more forceful with packs since Alexander Argent’s suicide.

 

Of course, he only knew that by the act of his position and not the knowledge of Chris’s family.

 

It still surprised him, that he could feel that tight twist in his chest when it came to Chris.

 

Four days, _twelve years and an attempted murder ago_ , and Peter still wants him.

 

It doesn’t take a genius for Peter to figure it out.

 

But well, Peter’s used to wanting things he cannot have.

 

-x-

 

He’s picking Alex and Cora up from school when he sees him.

 

Sees Chris.

 

Time has done nothing but make him more attractive, Peter thinks. He wishes he were more surprised.

 

There's a girl somewhere around Cora’s age with him, her tiny hand hidden between Chris’s fingers.

 

She must've come not long after the elder Argent had tried to kill him.

 

A part of Peter wonders if Chris had any idea of what his father had done, if he would have condoned it had he known of Peter’s inherent nature.

 

Or if Chris had thought that Peter had simply left. Left him.

 

But it doesn't matter.

 

“Miss Ally was in my geography class today, Uncle Peter,” Cora says, snapping her gum every other word in one of the most annoying sounds Peter has ever heard.

 

“Miss Ally?” Peter asks, looking down at his niece instead of the tall, toned man two houses down.

 

“Yeah, her mom and dad are thinking about moving out here, that's her right there, see?” Cora says, and she's pointing obviously toward the little Argent girl and Chris.

 

 _Mom and_ **_dad_** _._

 

“Ah, I see. Well, your mother is expecting us, so we best be off,” Peter says, and the words feel foreign and odd in his mouth.

 

(Has he always spoken like this?)

 

“But Uncle Peter!” Cora’s high pitched whine brings a set of hauntingly familiar eyes his direction as he’s unlocking his car.

 

The way the man’s eyes go wide tells Peter all he needs to know.

 

“ _No_ ,” Peter says forcefully putting his eyes back on Cora. His tone is make her flinch.

 

He doesn’t dare look over again, just gets Alex buckled in his booster seat and checks Cora’s belt.

 

He wants to, though. Wants to read that face and... _know_.

 

-x-

 

Derek is fifteen and in love, and excited and terrified and Peter remembers that feeling.

 

He remembers those long sweaty nights and endless summer days, those three days of _rightness_ before everything went wrong.

 

He remembers thinking, _I think he could handle knowing_ , and then being proved so wrong.

 

Chris never would have consented, and Peter knows that now. He wouldn’t have been able to reconcile his heritage as a hunter with... _whatever_... dalliance it was he had with Peter. And he knows, without a doubt, that Chris would never have consented to being a wolf.

 

Hunters... never _do_.

 

So Peter knows this, and knows that human instinct sees the wolf as a predator, something to run from or defend against, or something to hunt.

 

Derek can never find a lasting happiness with that girl, with a human girl who’s biggest problem is memorizing Bach. A girl like that could never be okay with the beast.

 

Not while she was so purely human.

 

-x-

 

But he certainly hadn't expected her to _die._

 

-x-

 

He's not at all surprised when Deucalion is nearly murdered. Perhaps that's a sign.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to give all you lovelies a heads up, it might be a couple days before chapter seven is up. Peter has a lot to say about the events leading up to and including the Hale Fire.


End file.
